Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

He was booked for a salt and battery.

The pharmacist replies, “You mean aspirin?”

The chemist answers, “That’s it… I can never remember that word.”

An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An inorganic chemist turns into a complex.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

A sulfone!

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.

Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.

First draw your curves, then plot your data.

Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.

To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.

Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.